How to deal with self-defeating thoughts

The Self Salutation Newsletter

Hello again!

In this week’s message, I want to talk about one of the most important inner challenges we face: self-defeating thoughts.

Let me start by sharing a bit about my own struggles with this component of the psyche.

In my examples, I often draw from one of the most challenging times of my life—the years shortly after I left the monastic life.

During that time, I underwent a period that felt like a freefall.

To begin with, leaving the monastic life felt like a very sad divorce. I had given it everything for years. So I was filled with grief when it didn’t work out.

The hardest thing about that for me was the recognition that my choice to be a monk was partly driven out of escapism—I had been running from life’s problems.

As a result, I had some deep regret about the choice, and that was something I never thought I would go through.

I also struggled to live in the outside world. It seemed like everything I did was awkward and challenging.

When I was at the lowest point, when I was feeling most lost, something happened…

I got into a bike accident and broke my arm.

It compounded my misery.

I felt like a complete loser!

During this time I heard a refrain in the back of my head: What’s wrong with you? When are you going to get it together? You’re such a hopeless case.

Areas of life where we’re in the dark

That’s an extreme example, maybe. But I know from working with others that we all have some area of life where we feel like we’re in the dark—where we feel like we can’t get it together the way we want to.

Maybe you struggle with decisions you made, things you did or didn’t do, failures—or apparent failures—that you carry with you.

Or maybe you feel this way about your body. In this case, you might have negative self-talk about your weight, telling yourself to reign in your eating habits, or berating yourself for your inability to get to the gym as much as you want.

You might feel a sense of incompetence around finances—perhaps you’ve found it hard to save money or struggled to get a job that earns well. Or you’ve had a hard time getting ahead in your work.

Or maybe you carry a feeling of failure around relationships. You might think there’s something people just don’t like about you, or you haven’t learned to make friends or find a romantic partner.

As a result, you might ask yourself, what’s wrong with you? Or what kind of a man or woman are you? Why can’t you get it together in this way or that way?

The compounding effect over time

These kinds of thoughts—and the feelings that go along with them—easily result in a sense of defeatism: I’m just never going to be able to learn this. I’ll never get it together.

It can become even more difficult the older you get because at a certain point in life, you begin to really know what your shortcomings are but you still succumb to them.

So you watch yourself make that same mistake again and again.

When this happens, you hear a voice inside that says, “There you go again. When will you get it together?”

Oof. We can be so hard on ourselves.

The thing that you need to remember is that as authoritative as that voice may seem, it’s actually undermining your ability to attain the perfection it professes.

Recognizing your Imposter Judge

We all have an inner voice that comes in with all the power of moral authority.

This voice seems to be looking out for your best interests—but when you’re under the sway of that voice the effect is de-moralizing.

The feeling of guilt or shame or despair that results from this kind of inner talk is a bigger problem than the problem it is pointing at.

In fact, the voice itself is your number one obstacle in getting over the challenge.

Because of this, learning to recognize this voice is an incredibly important step in the path of mindfulness.

How the perfectionist inhibits perfection

We valorize success in our society so much that we have come to think that the perfectionist in us is a purely positive quality.

If it weren’t for all of the scientific research that shows all of the benefits of self-acceptance and being non-judgmental with yourself, people would never entertain the idea nowadays!

Even after citing the studies I still get pushback from people on this.

As if spending a few minutes a day accepting themselves would jeopardize all their success.

Far from it!

The voice not only keeps you bound to the losing side of that challenge but it also ties you to a limited view of perfection.

What is true perfection?

One of the things that happens in meditation is that when you pull away from your thoughts, you have a different experience of yourself.

And the person you are in that space is entirely positive.

In this state of aloofness and connection to the Divine, you feel a sense of perfection.

Everything is right, just as it is. Perfectly imperfect.

The path to perfection in mindfulness, therefore, is about is about bringing that state of awareness into your life more and more.

It’s a way of shining forth the perfection of your inner being.

This is a very different approach to perfection than trying to will it or mold it or force yourself by being punitive and demanding when you fail.

If your “moral” voice is demoralizing try this instead

The tricky part of this is that the inner perfectionist is hard to recognize because it always sounds as if it’s our conscience.

And it may be right about what the best ideal is, or about something being bad for you.

The thing to remember is that if the effect on you is demoralizing then it’s not a voice that’s helping you.

You have to set down the club.

So if you find yourself feeling disparaging about yourself in some way, then I would recommend being very suspicious of your thinking.

Yes, fine you’re imperfect.

Yes, you have things to learn and ways to grow and a road ahead.

Most of us have a lot to learn.

But you have to release yourself for your shortcomings—even as you see them with wide-open eyes.

In the Self Salutation, I call this the Moose Meditation.

This is the meditation I used to make it through the most challenging time in my life and I’ve seen it work wonders on others as well.

You enter your heart of hearts and accept yourself for all the things about you that you wish were otherwise.

Just a few minutes of this a day can bring about the most beautiful and important transformations in your life! You can learn more about it here.

Peace,

Simon

P.S. Have you taken The Self Salutation Stress Survey yet? After a short quiz, we'll email you a free booklet that introduces you to a meditation that uproots the particular form of stress you experience.

Just click the button below to start: